


Satisfied

by Laney1728



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hamilton References, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Canon Fix-It, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2019-11-17
Packaged: 2021-01-24 07:27:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,183
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21334483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laney1728/pseuds/Laney1728
Summary: Kathryn and Chakotay have loved each other for over 7 years and it has finally led to the inevitable conclusion , A Wedding Rehearsal dinner for Chakotay and his Fiancée, Seven of Nine. Instead of Kathryn being on his arm, she’s standing by his side as best woman. How the hell did they end up here, and what happens now?
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway, Tom Paris/B'Elanna Torres
Comments: 21
Kudos: 72





	1. At Least I Keep His Eyes in my Life

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thanks to TheElephantinthePrideParade for her amazing beta skills. This story would be actual garbage without her.

_And I know_  
_She'll be happy as his bride_  
_And I know_  
_He will never be satisfied_  
_I will never Be Satisfied_

* * *

  
She took her seat at the table, a false smile plastered over her features as it had been for much of the night. At one point she thought her facial muscles might just give out, and she wouldn’t be able to smile ever again. She took another swig of her wine; she couldn’t remember if it was her third or fourth glass, but she couldn’t care less. 

The day before, she’d made up a dozen excuses, but Chakotay wouldn’t hear any of them. He'd told her that as his ‘best woman’ it wouldn’t be proper for her to miss the rehearsal dinner. She would’ve protested more, but he'd flashed her a soft smile and showcased his dimples; there wasn’t an excuse big enough to say no to him then. 

So here she was, sitting at dinner and watching someone she loved prepare to get married. No, she knew what this ache in her soul was. He was the love of her life, and that should have been her on his arm, this should be their rehearsal dinner. She had waited so long to confess these feelings, to say them out loud, to love him openly, and then on the day of their grand return, he'd announced he was seeing not only someone younger and more beautiful but her protege; someone who was so close to her. 

She told herself she was being ridiculous, that perhaps he had never reciprocated the love she had for him, but that notion was even more absurd. There wasn’t one person aboard Voyager who couldn’t see that he had loved her. No, this was her fault alone. She pushed him away, in the name of duty, for reasons she claimed were professional, but truthfully were for self-preservation. She knew their love would be all-consuming. She'd thought that if they were only friends and something had happened to him, it wouldn’t hurt so much. She'd been lying to herself, losing him would crush her soul into oblivion, no matter the circumstances of their relationship.

Even now, she had only lost a piece of him, and she felt herself coming apart at the seams. She was pulled out of her thoughts by someone tapping on a wine glass and had to keep herself from jumping. Chakotay stood and thanked everyone for coming; he gave a short and sweet speech about how excited he was to start his journey of life and love with Annika. She tuned out for most of it, feeling tears form in her eyes and nausea settle in her stomach. Suddenly he was looking at her. She gave him a puzzled glance as he stuck out his hand and helped her up. 

“Would you mind saying a little something?” he whispered. 

She looked at him, eyes wide with shock. 

“I don’t have anything prepared,” she whispered, angry that he was putting her on the spot like this. 

“If there’s one thing I know about you Kathryn, it’s that you can handle high pressured situations. You’ll be fine, you don’t have to make it long,” he handed her the microphone and sat down, looking up at her with a smirk. 

‘Well shit,’ she thought to herself. 

She smiled nervously and stared out to the crowd, her former crew and newfound family. With a deep breath, she began. 

“Well, it certainly is a night for celebration. I commend the two of you for making it to the rehearsal dinner, that’s much farther than I ever got with any of my engagements,” she paused waiting for the somewhat awkward chuckles to die down. 

“Tomorrow we will gather to witness two of the greatest people I’ve ever known, find their happy ending.”

It was meant to be her happy ending. If she had just talked to him maybe things could be different. She knew that if Annika had been made aware of her feelings for Chakotay she would have most likely backed off. Kathryn had been too stubborn, too set in her ways that she refused to acknowledge her feelings until she could permit herself to act on them. After she was free to do so, she couldn’t bring herself to take away the newfound relationship, nor could she risk her friendship with either of them. So she continued to bury her feelings, deep in the depths of her very being. 

“As your former commanding officer, but most importantly as your friend I--”

She looked into his eyes, a big mistake. She remembered all the times their eyes had met, how each time she gazed into his deep brown irises, she saw his love, devotion, and peace. She remembered her angry warrior who promised to make her burdens lighter and promised to stand by her side. Now looking at him she saw nothing but a friendly glance, her warrior was no more. She stammered, snapping back to her speech. 

“I hope that the two of you find true happiness and satisfaction in each other and that your marriage is lasting, loving, and exciting. And I know the two of you will be as outstanding together as you both are, individually. To the bride and groom!” she raised her glass and everyone joined her in toasting to the couple. 

At least he would still be in her life. And even if his eyes no longer held the same affection as before, perhaps she could survive off the memories of when they once did. Maybe the dreams she had every night of being in his arms could sustain her, maybe dreams were all that she deserved. 

She went to sit down but could feel the tears near falling and couldn’t risk crying in front of everyone, and she knew once that dam broke there would be no stopping it. She politely excused herself and went to find the closest empty room, grabbing a half-empty bottle of wine outside the banquet hall on her way. 

Her heart was racing, she felt her chest begin to tighten and as she closed the door and found privacy she allowed herself to cry, covering her mouth with her hand to stifle her sobs. Instead of sitting in one of the empty chairs around the room she walked to the corner and sank to the floor. The closeness of the walls providing her with a sense of security. Her breathing turned to harsh gulps, desperate to take in as much oxygen as possible but it was seemingly never enough. 

She put her hand to her chest and tried to slow her breathing. Once it was calm enough, she uncorked the wine and took a large sip, that sip turned into a chug and within a few seconds, every last drop had been emptied. She didn’t care about how she was getting home, she didn’t care that she wouldn’t be returning to the party, or worse that if she did she would make a fool out of herself. The only thought running through her mind was that she needed to be numb, she needed to stop this aching pain in her chest. 

She threw the empty bottle across the room and waited for the alcohol to provide her with the relief she so desperately craved. When that relief never came, she fell back into the quiet cries and harsh breathing. She was dizzy, the room was spinning, and that nauseous feeling had only grown considering the copious amounts of alcohol she’d consumed. 

Her head was between her knees, and her body rocking slightly. She was so lost in her self pity that she hadn’t heard the door opening, nor the two tipsy lovers stumbling in, their lips locked in a passionate kiss. 

“Are we really about to have sex at my best friend's rehearsal dinner?” B’Elanna whispered with a laugh. 

“Hey! We’re new parents, we need to take these opportunities when they arise,”

He looked down. 

“And I think the opportunity.... has risen,”

She laughs heartily. 

“You’re disgusting!” 

He joined in her laughter before leaning in for another kiss, but before their lips met B’Elanna heard a sniffle and jumped back. 

“What was that?”

“I’m sure its nothing,” he replied, trying to kiss her again but she pushed him away and called for the lights. 

As she turned around she saw her captain in the corner, her legs drawn to her chest and her face between her knees. She pushed past Tom and ran to her side. 

“Captain?” She placed a hand on her arm, and Kathryn looked up. 

“Please just go,” she said.

B’Elanna disregarded her comment and took notice of the empty wine bottle a few feet away. She turned to Tom.

“Go ask the doctor for a detox hypo, he always brings them to parties. And get her a cup of coffee,”

Tom nodded, concealing his look of concern to head back into the party. 

“Why don’t we get you off the floor,” B’Elanna suggested. 

Kathryn nodded and accepted B’Elanna’s hand to help her stand up. 

Her head was still spinning and her feet couldn’t walk in a straight line. She hadn’t had this much non-synthetic alcohol since her days at the academy. It was only three steps before she felt herself falling, thankful that someone was there to catch her. 

“Ok, take it easy. Just sit here,” B'elanna said, pulling out a chair. 

Tom walked in and set down the coffee on the empty table where B’Elanna had gotten Kathryn to sit. He moved her curled auburn hair away from her neck and injected the hypo. 

“Thank you, both of you....but you can go now, I’ll be fine,” Kathryn said. 

“No, I sure as hell am not leaving you alone right now. Not until you tell me what’s going on,” B’Elanna said. 

“Nothing, it’s nothing. Really you two...I’ll be okay,”

“We found you huddled in a corner, shaking and crying, having gone through a whole bottle of wine. If that’s your definition of fine, then we really need to have a longer discussion,” Tom added. 

Kathryn took a deep breath and closed her eyes, trying to hold back the tears. 

“This is about Chakotay, isn’t it?” B’Elanna asked. 

At the sound of his name, she winced as if it caused her physical pain, answering B’Elanna’s question without words. 

“I love him,” Kathryn whispered, her voice breaking. 

She took a moment to think about those three simple words. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to hear the words herself, let alone tell another soul. But it felt good to get it off her chest. 

“I waited seven years to be able to tell him that. When I realized we’d be getting home much sooner than anticipated, I had planned it all in my head. I would ask him over and tell him the truth, tell him how for the better part of a decade all I wanted was to be with him. I wanted to tell him that at night I used to dream about our life; a house, marriage, children,” she chuckled wryly and shook her head. 

She continued. 

“Then my future self broke the news that he was seeing Seven and that in her version of the timeline they had gotten married. After I knew that...I could never tell him how I felt,” 

“Why the hell not? They had barely started dating when we were arriving on earth, why didn’t you just tell him?” B’Elanna asked.

“You’re joking, right? You’ve seen Seven...and then there’s me. She’s gorgeous, not to mention so much younger than me. Besides...I pushed him away for so long I’m not even sure he feels the same for me anymore, and I couldn’t risk ruining our friendship,”

“Kathryn, Chakotay is an idiot for choosing her. I’ve made my disapproval very clear to him, I even asked him about you. Do you know what he told me? He said that while he would always love you, he needed to accept the fact that you didn’t love him back. That’s why he’s moving on!” 

Kathryn looked up into her eyes with a glimmer of hope, but it barely lasted a moment before reality set in.

“It doesn’t matter. It’s too late. I’m too late. I deserve to feel like shit...after everything I’ve done,”

“Everything you’ve done? You mean beating impossible odds over and over again, bringing two crews together, getting us home ten times faster than anyone ever expected? You deserve to be happy, just like the rest of us, if not with Chakotay than with someone else...or no one else. You’re strong and independent, and you can find happiness and meaning in a life that isn’t reliant upon that petaQ. You want children? Have children, although I’ll warn you they’re trouble. You want to travel or buy a house or do literally anything...you can. You don’t need him for that. The captain I know and admire sees what she wants and takes it, and if she fails...she finds a new thing to want, a new adventure to have.

And if being here right now causes you this much pain, you can be selfish for once and go home. I’ll tell Chakotay that you’re feeling under the weather and can’t make it to the wedding. I can replace you as best man or Tom for that matter...although I will say I’m closer to him and I was a little jealous he picked you in the first place.”

Kathryn chuckled, wiping a tear from her cheek. 

“It was a mistake for me to accept that offer, let alone to even show up tonight,” she replied. 

“Why don’t we get you home,” Tom suggested. 

She nodded. 

“I’ll be right back. I’ll just go bring the hovercar around, and grab our jackets,” He said, making his way out the door. 

The rest of the night seemed to be a blur. Tom retrieved her jacket and drove her home. They both helped her into her home and told her to get some rest. She moved through her routine of washing away her smeared makeup, brushing out her curls, and changing into a nightgown. She laid in her bed, staring at the ceiling for close to an hour before she concluded that sleep would not come easy that night. Tossing on a robe and slippers, she went back downstairs. Through her large bay window, she saw the streaks of rain, the calming sound grew louder and louder until the drops were violently beating against the glass. The dueling sounds of thunder and lightning greeted her ears, the light illuminated the keys on the grand piano, it reminded her of the last concerto she’d been practicing, the battle between the light and the loud. 

She sat at the piano, just like she had every day these past few months, putting her energy into learning something new, making up for never learning an instrument before. At least this was one regret she could take back. 

Her fingers gracefully danced over the keys to produce a simple yet beautiful melody. She closed her eyes and allowed herself one last tear. She wouldn’t cry over him again, she was done. Just like B’Elanna said, she could have everything she wanted, none of it rested solely on Chakotay. She just needed to find a new adventure, write her next chapter. Maybe she would have a baby, no need to involve anyone else in that process. She would give everything she had to her child if she chose that path. Maybe she’d travel some more instead, explore new and exciting places. She’d figure it out, she almost always did. 

As the tone of her song shifted from melancholic to almost joyful, she jumped hitting the wrong keys, as she heard a banging on the door. 

It was past 0200 hours and she wasn’t sure who would be knocking this late. 

Hesitantly, she walked over. 

Slowly, she reached for the doorknob and opened the door. She gasped. “What are you doing here?” 


	2. What Might Have Been

  
Chakotay held his breath as she walked in the door, his eyes were immediately drawn to her, and how could they not be? Her hair was a little longer than the last time he’d seen her, it framed her face with soft curls. He ran his eyes over her frame appreciatively. An instant feeling of guilt washed over him. He shouldn’t look at her like that, not anymore. Tomorrow he’d be married, to a wonderful woman. Tomorrow he’d put these unreciprocated feelings and all the pain that accompanied them behind him. He wouldn’t look back, well not after this one last stolen glance. And if this one last glance happened to be an extended one, he couldn’t be blamed, could he? 

She looked beautiful but tired, her smile reminding him of the expression she’d use when talking to someone she didn’t like, or when talking to anyone before her first cup of coffee. It was polite, almost cheery, but he knew that it was forced and uncomfortable. When she smiled genuinely, it could light up the entire room, it made him weak in the knees, and it always reached her eyes. Tonight her smile stopped at her lips, it went not an inch higher. He hadn’t seen that genuine smile in a long time, he missed it. He missed her. 

He was forced to look away when Harry Kim stepped in his line of vision. He wanted to tell him how great the dinner was going and wish him luck for tomorrow. Chakotay thanked him quickly and his eyes searched for Kathryn once more but she’d disappeared in the crowd of people.

She didn’t even want to come tonight, he wasn’t sure why. She’d tried to make several excuses, something she’d gotten quite good at these past few months. Every time he asked her out to lunch, or come to visit with him and Annika, she always seemed too busy. He blamed it on her stress levels from the debriefings, but even after the debriefings had ended, the excuses continued. He was thrown by her coldness, he couldn’t quite understand why she didn’t want to be around him, or what happened to their friendship which he had grown to rely on so heavily. Luckily, with a little begging, he convinced her to show up tonight. He couldn’t imagine doing any of this without her here. Truth be told he’d always imagined she’d be here as his bride rather than his best man, but life didn’t always work out the way it’s planned. For Chakotay, most of his life hadn’t gone as planned. Long ago, a heaviness had settled over him, an unwillingness to let go of the life he wanted and accept the life he was dealt. It was a constant struggle. He was always searching for a new path to his desired destination. 

Seven. Seven was his new path. She was equally wonderful as she was unexpected. If someone had told him a few years ago that he would be at the rehearsal dinner for his wedding to Seven of Nine, now Annika, he would have told them that was insane. He would have told them that it was Kathryn he loved. But that was then and this is now. She made herself very clear that she didn’t feel the same way. Every time she pushed him away, every time she avoided conversations about their relationship. When they returned to earth, instead of jumping into his arms as he’d dreamt about, she began to avoid him. 

That first night in the Alpha Quadrant, Earth in their viewports, he’d felt a weight being lifted. He sat in his quarters for over an hour, thinking about what to say, how to say it, how she’d react. Finally, he stood ready. He was going to go to her, tell her how he felt. When her door had opened she was quiet. He started asking her about her plans for once they reached home, but she answered him with brief, cold responses. He very quickly lost his nerve, feeling this was the final nail in the proverbial coffin. He concluded that she didn’t love him back, maybe she never had. 

At that point, he hadn’t given his newfound relationship with Seven much effort, but after that night he began investing more of himself into it. He planned more dates, became more serious with her, and tried his hardest to put his heart into it. 

Looking back, he tried to remember what drew him to accept her offer in the first place. Over the years he’d gotten used to the loneliness, to the half-relationship he’d developed with Kathryn. He thought that romance and intimacy just weren’t in his future. Then suddenly there was this young, gorgeous woman who was after his affection. He had jumped at the chance to bring those things back into his life, to feel like a desirable man. It felt good to be wanted, and he deserved to feel good for once. 

His experience dating her had been an interesting journey, to say the least. She insisted on doing things traditionally, this included waiting until after marriage to start having sex. She agreed to share an apartment, but not a bed. This didn’t make a huge difference considering she regenerated most nights. After a few months, she told him that he should propose because she was ready to solidify their relationship.

They were three months in when she gave him an ultimatum: if he didn’t propose within the month, they needed to seriously reconsider themselves as a couple. After a week to think about it, he purchased a ring. Three major reasons drew him to accept: Coming back to Earth had been a lonely experience, the friends he’d left behind were dead, his family was gone, and Kathryn had distanced from him, Seven was all he had; he wasn’t getting any younger, and felt the growing need for permanence just as Seven did;The third reason boiled down to the fact that Kathryn wasn’t there and Annika was. In the end, he’d proposed over a month before either of them said ‘I love you’, but he didn’t need love, he’d had that already. He needed to move on.

Still, every night he dreamt of her auburn locks, dark blue eyes, and that captivating smile. And every morning, he woke with a smile himself, one that dropped as he realized it was just fantasy. He had survived off dreams for too long, convincing himself they’d one day be true. He needed to let go of that notion. Maybe marrying Annika wasn’t the best way to do it, but he was happy with her, and he vowed to himself that he would be the best husband he could. 

He felt Annika stand next to him and take his hand in hers. She led him to the table and they sat down, a few others decided to follow their lead. 

Once all of the guests settled in their seats, he tapped his knife to his wine glass and stood to make a toast. 

“I’d like to thank everyone for coming tonight on behalf of myself as well as my lovely bride. We are beyond excited to start this next chapter of our lives, to take this momentous step and have all of our closest friends gather to witness. As we forge a new path in life and in love, I thank you all again from the bottom of my heart for your support, your kind words, and well wishes. A special thank you to Tom and B’Elanna for helping set up tonight! No one knows how to throw a better party than these two,”

No one knew how to make him feel worse about his romantic life either. B’Elanna had given him one hell of a dressing-down when she found out about Annika. She'd even thrown a glass of water at his head. Eventually, she had calmed down and accepted his decision, although he could still feel her glare of disapproval. 

“Finally, I have to thank my Best Woman, Kathryn Janeway. Without her, none of this would be possible. I owe her my life and freedom. Hopefully, she won’t mind saying a few words, she’s always been more eloquent when it comes to speeches. Kathryn?”

He turned to his left to look down at her, seemingly catching her off guard because she jumped a little.

“Would you mind saying a little something?” he whispered. 

She looked at him, eyes wide.

“I don’t have anything prepared,” she whispered. 

He looked at her with slight concern. She’d never been shy about talking in front of a crowd. She’d given countless, moving, speeches in front of these very same people without hesitation. 

Had he done something that made her so reluctant? Or did she really care so little that the thought of saying nice things about him made her this uncomfortable? He leaned in, trying to encourage her and remind her of her own strength. 

“If there’s one thing I know about you Kathryn, it’s that you can handle high pressured situations. You’ll be fine, you don’t have to make it long,” 

He smiled guiltily as she protested, but just like always, she didn’t back away from the challenge.

He has to admit that he didn’t pay much attention to her speech but instead, her nervousness, the way her shoulders tensed and her nails dug into her palms. Her voice quivered once or twice, and suddenly she looked into his eyes and froze for just a moment. Looking back at her, he saw only one thing...hurt. 

She snapped back to reality and finished her speech, and as the other guests stood and applauded, she stood up and made her way out of the room. Before he got the chance to stop her, people started coming up to wish him and Annika well, and he couldn’t get away. 

By the time he had an opening to make his escape, he noticed Tom emerge from the main doors, looking like a man on a mission. 

He made his way over to him.

“Hey, Tom. Have you seen Kathryn anywhere? We wanted to get some pictures, and I was hoping to thank her for her great speech and apologize for putting her on the spot,” he lied. No one was taking any holoimages yet; he needed an excuse to check on her. 

“No...I uhh...I haven’t seen her, but I have to go ask the Doc something. I’ll talk to you later,”

Tom patted him on the shoulder and went up to the Doctor, whispering in his ear. The Doctor discreetly handed him something from his inside jacket pocket. 

Tom then walked over to a table and grabbed some coffee before heading back out. Chakotay watched him, preoccupied with his nervousness and his peculiar behavior. He decided to let his curiosity get the best of him and followed Tom down the hall.

He watched as he entered one of the empty rooms, and was about to follow him inside when he heard Tom’s voice. 

“We found you huddled in a corner, shaking and crying, having gone through a whole bottle of wine. If that’s your definition of fine, then we really need to have a longer discussion,” 

He peaked through the crack in the door for only a second, but it was enough. He saw Tom and B’Elanna standing around someone in a chair, trying to calm them down. Tom moved to the left a bit, providing him with an opening to see exactly who they were talking to. Kathryn. He moved away from the door, sensing he might be seen, and stood next to it to continue listening. 

She was crying? Something must be seriously wrong. He wanted so badly to open the door, but some part of him told him to stay put. 

As he stood there waiting he thought for a moment about why she might be so upset. It could have had to do with work or her family. For a second he considered maybe she might be sick, that something might be wrong with her health, and his heart dropped to his stomach at the very thought. How could he have been so selfish? He’d made everything about him when his best friend was suffering. He should’ve known something serious was off with her, after seven years by her side, he should have known. 

Then he heard his own name “This is about Chakotay, isn’t it?” 

His ears grew alert, for a few seconds he heard nothing, and then came the words that sent his head spinning. 

“I love him,”

Her voice was so faint he almost hadn’t heard it. He was overcome with emotions, his heart was nearly beating out of his chest and his throat tightened. He was angry that she’d kept that from him, sad at the realization of his own foolish mistake, and elated that someone he had loved so deeply returned those feelings. He couldn’t decide which emotion he’d let win so he stood there trying to make sense of it all and failing. Part of him wished he’d never decided to listen in, wished he could continue to live in denial, but the other part of him wanted to burst into the room and kiss the hell out of her. 

“I waited seven years to be able to tell him that. When I realized we’d be getting home much sooner than anticipated, I had planned it all in my head. I would ask him over and tell him the truth, tell him how for the better part of a decade all I wanted was to be with him. I wanted to tell him that at night I used to dream about our life; a house, marriage, children,”

_A house, marriage...children._ She wanted_ children_ with him. He couldn’t believe how badly he’d messed up. The path to everything he’d ever wanted had been right there, but he'd never dared to follow it.

Kathryn wanted to be with him. She wanted to marry him, build a home, a family. At that moment it struck him that he’d never even discussed these things with the woman he was about to marry. 

“Then my future self broke the news that he was seeing Seven and that in her version of the timeline they had gotten married. After I knew that...I could never tell him how I felt,” Kathryn said.

She'd known. Not only had she known, but she was convinced that she stood no chance because she was told he married Seven in another timeline. As the pieces of the puzzle were connecting it all began to make more sense, and it all had hit him like a ton of bricks how stupid he’d been. 

“Why the hell not? They had barely started dating when we were arriving on Earth, why didn’t you just tell him?” B’Elanna asked.

“You’re joking, right? You’ve seen Seven...and then there’s me. She’s gorgeous, not to mention so much younger than me. Besides...I pushed him away for so long, I’m not even sure he feels the same for me anymore, and I couldn’t risk ruining our friendship,”

That information broke his heart. Didn’t she know how beautiful she was? How much he’d wanted her? Couldn’t she feel the heat of his gaze every day on the bridge? How could she think for one second that she couldn’t compare? 

He’d lost track of the conversation, becoming more and more consumed with how the two of them had fallen into such a mess. 

“I’ll be right back. I’ll just go bring the hovercar around, and grab our jackets,”

He heard Tom make his way towards the door, but he couldn’t move. His feet were planted in the ground, his cheeks wet with tears. Within seconds he felt Tom’s body collide with his. Tom looked at him with shock, and stuttered before asking:

“Chakotay...how much of that did you hear?” 

“She loves me?” he whispered both in joy and despair. 

“I’m gonna guess that you heard all of it,” Tom muttered.

Chakotay finally looked him in the eyes. 

“I - I have to talk to her!” He went to open the door, but Tom stopped him.

“Unless you’re going in there to tell her that you still love her, that the wedding is canceled, and the two of you can live happily ever after, I’m not letting you go in there. She’s been through enough,”

He looked in Tom's eyes and with great hesitation, he let go of the doorknob. Tom nodded.

“Why don’t you just do what you do best and walk away,” Tom stepped in front of him, blocking him from the door. 

His words stung, more than a little. A spark of anger flashed through him, followed immediately by despair. He knew he deserved to be treated like the careless idiot he was. He had loved Kathryn for seven years. He still did. But he'd thrown that all away, breaking her heart in the process. And for what? A half-decent relationship and a satisfied ego.

“Go back to the party,” Tom told him. “B’Elanna and I will take care of Kathryn.”

For a moment, he contemplated pushing past him and walking through those doors. On the other side awaited a future he had dreamed of for so long, the woman he had loved and desired for what seemed to be a lifetime. All he had to do was ignore Tom, and she could be his, but before he could will his body to move, he heard someone call out.

“Chakotay? People have been asking where you went. The food will be out any minute,” Annika called to him.

He flinched and looked to Tom, hoping he could see the apology in his eyes.

“I’m coming.”

He turned and walked back towards the life he never imagined, but he knew he was lucky to have. If only he felt lucky. Instead, his heart weighed heavy with disappointment and a sense of loss for what might have been.


	3. Set My Heart Aflame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first half of this chapter is from Chakotay's POV and the second half is from Kathryns POV. Also the rating goes up on this chapter! Enjoy!

Chakotay sat through the rest of dinner. He went through all the motions, kept a hollow smile on his face for the sake of appearances. He couldn’t stop thinking about those words, those three simple words that his ears had craved since the moment he’d set eyes on her. She loved him. When two hours had passed by, and much of the guests began to leave he started thinking about what to say. He knew that either way he couldn’t marry Annika tomorrow. This excitement in his heart, this dizzy feeling that drove him crazy, that hadn’t happened once in Annika’s presence, not even when she told him she loved him. He had smiled and said it back, but he knew that neither meant it, not fully. It was out of obligation, not from the heart. They’d gotten engaged without even saying those words, he hadn’t even said them during his proposal. She’d realized it first and once she said it, a wave of panic ran through him. He didn’t hesitate to say it back, hesitating would have given him enough time to think about the sincerity of his words. He needed this to work, some part of him needed nothing more than for this relationship with Annika to be successful. He couldn’t even tell himself why. Maybe after all the pain and rejection, he craved a stable and normal relationship. 

As the last two guests left arm in arm, it was just him and Annika, alone in an empty room filled with dirty dishes, empty chairs, scattered bottles of wine, and a few deflated balloons in each corner. Off of every surface echoed the ghosts of laughter and an aching silence. Annika sat at a table, going over a padd filled with lists of things she needed to accomplish for tomorrow. 

He stood up and faced her, his shoulders squared, and feet firmly planted in their spot.

“We need to talk,” he said, unprepared for the amount of nervousness that escaped his throat. 

She looked at him, her expression void of any concern. 

“I agree. The venue commed this morning and asked if—”

He huffed and interrupted her. 

“Annika I don’t want to talk about the venue right now,” he said. 

She stood up, placed her hands on her hips, and raised her brow.

“When would be a good time to discuss this? We are getting married tomorrow, and the flowers aren’t even finished being put together we—” she kept talking, faster, louder than he was.

“We need to have these details decided on and planned out. It’s nearly midnight and tradition states the bride and groom shouldn’t see each other the day before the wedding. Now if we could just go over the things I’ve listed out then we can go our separate ways until tomorrow,”

“Annika,” his patience was growing thin the longer she refused to listen, but she kept on going. 

“We need to make sure that everything goes as planned, that we finish making—”

  
  


He closed his eyes and tried to take a calming breath, but her words grew more insistent, more irritating, and abrasive. Finally he hit a point where he couldn’t take it. Like a kettle reaching its boiling point, he felt this flash of anger echo through him until it reached his throat and left without a moment of thought. 

“Seven!” His voice sounded like that of a man he once knew. 

Suddenly she was silent and her eyes widened for a moment out of surprise.

He approached her, sorry for shouting in such a way. He reached out his hand towards her but she recoiled. 

He squeezed his fist down by his side, until he could feel his knuckles turning white. 

“I can’t do this,” he said, in a broken voice. 

“Can’t do  _ what _ ?” she asked as though she knew the answer. 

He paused for a moment, rethinking everything Kathryn had said. He remembered that she reminded him that he and Annika had never discussed their future beyond marriage. They were both so consumed with making this relationship work that they ignored topics of conversation that might point out cracks in their foundation. 

“Where would you want to live? When all is said and done, where do you want to settle down?”

She seemed put off by his question, but in true Seven fashion, she answered it quickly. 

“I’m not sure. I assumed we would remain close to Starfleet headquarters. If our apartment is unsuitable then perhaps we could find a larger one or even a small home,”

“I always thought that I’d settle somewhere secluded. A log cabin, maybe a small house on top of a mountain. I’m not sure I want to continue in Starfleet, I’ve been thinking more about living a quieter life,”

“I had planned on remaining in Starfleet, I had hoped you and I could live close to headquarters, but perhaps I could adapt to a different location,” she said. 

“What about children?” he asked. 

He saw a flash of panic in her eyes. 

“I assumed you did not want children. You’ve never mentioned a desire for them in the past, and given your age I thought your desire for offspring would have passed...Why are you asking me these questions? I do not like them, they make me uncomfortable,” she said, looking away from his glance and fidgeting her fingers, a new tick he noticed she’d developed when nervous. 

“Because these are things we should have talked about a long time ago,”

“Well why are you bringing them up now?”

He looked at her and tugged nervously on his ear, waiting for her eyes to once again meet his.

“Do you love me?” he asked simply.

She nearly scoffed as if his question had been preposterous. 

“I have told you on many occasions that I love you,” 

“But do you really love me? Does your heart beat faster when I enter the room, does your smile grow when you see me? Am I the last thing you think about at night and the first thing you think about in the morning?”

She took a breath and they both stood in silence for a few moments before she spoke quietly: 

“No,” 

Her eyes shot down to the ground, she looked as if she were rethinking the past several months, trying to piece everything together. 

He walked over to the nearest chair and sat, resting his elbows on his knees and burying his head in his hands. 

“Then what are we doing, Annika?” he whispered as he felt a tear glide down his cheek.

There were several moments of silence before he heard her speak again. 

“You still love her?” Her voice seemed broken, emotional. He couldn’t remember a time she had let her emotions affect her in such a way. 

He looked up, his throat tight with shock.

“How did you---”

The next time she spoke was in the same cool tone he’d gotten used to. 

“While on Voyager I’d heard whispers, rumors about you being in love with the captain. When we began our romantic relationship I saw no reason to believe them. But those descriptions...of love, that’s how you feel about the captain, isn’t it?”

He didn’t waste a moment with his answer. 

“Yes,”

She closed her eyes and after a few seconds, stood up and walked over to him. She stood tall, jaw set, eyes determined. 

“Well then I too am unsure what we are doing. When we arrived in the Alpha Quadrant, for the first time in a very long time I experienced...loneliness. You were the only person I felt I could depend on. I felt scared to lose the one person I had left, therefore I may have pushed to turn our relationship into something it was not meant to be,”

Her eyes softened for a moment and her breath became shaky. He saw the struggle in her eyes and it nearly killed him. 

“I think it is best if we terminate our engagement. I can see you aren’t excited at the prospect of marrying me, and I am less than enthused about marrying someone who doesn’t want to marry me,”

He went to stand, to touch her arm, comfort her in some way. 

“Annika I—”

She held up her hand to stop him, and took a step backwards. 

“Why waste your time in a pointless argument? We were both at fault for thinking this would work. If you love her, it is not an efficient use of your time to be here with me,”

He stood up slowly and hugged her without giving her enough time to back away. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. 

As he went towards the door he heard that soft tone once more. 

“Is it really like that? When you love someone, does it feel the way you described?”

He turned back and smiled at her.

“It does.”

“I hope to experience that one day,” she said with a soft smile of her own.

“I know you will Annika, just be open to it when it happens. And a word of advice, don’t wait nearly eight years to tell them you love them.”

She nodded as he walked outside. 

The cool night air nipped at his face as the first droplets of rain danced on his skin, and for the first time that night, he felt like he could breathe.

* * *

The first thing she noticed was his heaving chest. His breathing was ragged, and his wet clothes clung to him like a second skin. 

“What are you doing here?” She asked. 

He didn’t answer for a few seconds, catching his breath and staring into her eyes, searching desperately for something. 

“Is this about me leaving early? Listen, I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye but I—“ 

He cut her off.

“Do you love me?” his voice was heavy with emotion, cracking under the weight of it all. 

She stood there stunned into silence. Finally, she managed to utter a dumbfounded: “What?” 

He stepped closer to her, and she took a step back afraid for him to get too close. 

“Do. You. Love. Me?” he repeated slowly. 

She scoffed and rolled her eyes, but she knew he hadn’t missed the amount of effort it took for her to do so. 

“Of course not! What the hell are you doing here at this hour asking me—“ 

He walked the rest of the way through the door, slamming it behind him. 

“Kathryn! For once in your life, tell me how you feel, the truth. No more bullshit. After all these years I deserve honesty,” 

She couldn’t remember the last time he’d been so forceful, raised his voice in such a way. And she was ashamed that it excited her.

“You’re engaged!” she shouted. 

“I didn’t ask if I was engaged I asked if you loved me,” he spoke in a softer tone, seemingly remorseful for having lost his cool.

She shook her head.

“Your wedding is tomorrow,” she pleaded. 

“Just answer the question, Kathryn. Do you or do you not love me,” 

She hesitated for a moment, looking down at the ground, realizing this was it. This was not how she imagined telling him. She wanted it to be that night aboard Voyager. She wanted him to burst into her quarters and take her in his arms. Instead that night he came over for a drink and started up small talk. It was that night she realized whatever feelings he had for her must have faded long ago. 

She took a deep breath and realized that regardless of the circumstances it was now or never. After seven long years of holding in every little emotion, every ounce of desire and love she had for him, she knew she had to tell him the truth, even if it was about to blow up in her face. 

“I...I do,”

She stared at his face, his expression was hard to read. She decided he wasn’t going to say something she wanted to hear and felt those defensive walls begin to build around her, protecting her from the hurt that she knew was coming. She crossed her arms and turned her eyes towards the window, the rain had slowed to soft patter and the rumblings of thunder seemed to grow further and further in the distance. 

“Is that what you needed to hear, Chakotay? What now, you want to mock me or feel sorry for me or ban me from the ceremony? Afraid I might object or—“ 

He took two quick steps, grabbed either side of her face and brought his lips crashing down onto hers. There was less than a second of hesitation from her until her lips parted to allow his tongue entrance. Her feet felt as if they were floating, gravity had ceased to exist. Her world was spinning and she never wanted it to stop. She moaned, yearning for more contact, she wanted to feel every inch of his body. 

She pulled him closer but when their bodies met, his cold wet clothing shocked her. Almost as if someone had woken her from a spell, she jumped back. 

Her hand flew to her mouth, hovering over her lips which still tingled from his rough kiss. 

“Oh my God, what have I done? You...you need to go, Now!”

He reached out to her but she pulled back. 

“But Kathryn,”

“No! You’re getting married tomorrow and I can’t do this to Seven...or to you for that matter. I don’t know if you have cold feet or what, but….you shouldn’t have come. And I shouldn’t have let you do that. Please just go,” She felt her tears begin their descent down cheeks, which still burned hot with desire. 

“Kathryn, I’m not getting married tomorrow,”

“What?”

“I called it off. Well, actually we mutually agreed that us getting married was a mistake. Our hearts weren’t in it. Especially mine, considering it’s been with you for the past seven years,” 

This time when he reached out to touch her, she didn’t pull back. Whether it was out of pure shock or her wanting him to be close, she couldn’t tell. 

He cupped her cheek, a few burning tears of his own mingled with the frigid drops of rain. 

“I love you, Kathryn, I always have and I always will. Tonight it was like someone finally opened my eyes and made me realize how wrong everything has been these past few months. Actually, I guess that person was you. I heard what you told Tom and B’Elanna, and once I heard how you really felt about me I knew at that moment that I’d always felt the same, and I never stopped. I’d just lost hope after all these years, I shouldn’t have given up, I’m so sorry,”

“You were spying on me?” she pulled away from him again, trying to breathe through her anger, avoiding his begging eyes.

“I was worried about you and I followed Tom, but then I saw you were crying and I heard my name and I couldn’t stop myself. I had to hear what you were going to say. I knew for certain that if I didn't stay there and listen, I’d never hear you say those things, I would have never known for sure how you felt about me. I know it was wrong of me to invade your privacy like that but I don’t regret doing it for one second,”

“I can’t...I can’t do this right now. It’s too much,”

“Well then what do you want, Kathryn? If you still want me to leave I’ll--”

“No...stay, please,”

She took a moment to try and think about what to do. Sending him away would be a mistake. After all this time, all the heartbreak and regret, she couldn’t just dismiss him. She also couldn’t bear the thought that she may have broken up a potential marriage. So it was decided. She wouldn’t kick him out but she wouldn’t act on her feelings, not tonight. 

“I just, I need time to think. This is all very sudden. If you’d like to stay here you can. There’s a guest bedroom, upstairs second door on the right. I’ll replicate you some dry clothes and we can talk in the morning,”

“Ok,” he said with a nod. She could tell he was just relieved that she didn’t kick him out. 

She quickly replicated him some sweat pants and a t-shirt as he walked up the steps to the bedroom. 

A few moments later she walked into the guest room to hand him the clothes and opened the door to see him in nothing more than his boxers. She could feel her face growing hot as a blush ran from her cheeks to her freckled chest. He smiled as she looked away and handed him his clothes. 

“Thank you,” he said. 

“No problem. We’ll talk in the morning,” she replied, but before she could turn to leave, he leaned in and kissed her cheek. 

“Sleep well Kathryn,” he whispered in her ear. 

“Yes..um..you too.” 

Sleep seemed even more elusive after everything that had happened. She walked back downstairs and over toward the comm which showed she’d just received a new message. Her eyes widened as she saw that the message was from Annika. 

_ I know it is rather late to send you this now, but I assume that Chakotay left the venue and went immediately to talk to you. Having known you for several years, I’ve become aware of the way in which you tend to interpret situations. I would like to let you know that as Chakotay explained his reasons for canceling the wedding tomorrow I understood that he was correct. I was more unnerved at the realization that we would have to cancel the caterers and venues for tomorrow than our actual breakup.  _

_ I’m trying to maintain a positive outlook. I am rather excited at the prospect of my newfound independence. I’ve come to learn that Earth is not as frightening as I assumed it would be. People are much more accepting of my history than I initially anticipated. I hope to one day form a connection with someone in the way the commander has with you. I hope you do not let what is now the past interfere with what could be your future happiness. Know that I will not harbor resentment towards you or Chakotay, grudges are an inefficient use of time. I wish the best for the both of you. _

_ -Annika _

She needed to clear her mind. This was honestly all a bit peculiar. Seven practically just gave her permission to start a relationship with a man who only an hour ago was her fiancé. It couldn’t be that simple though. What if he grew bored with her, left her again for the next pretty young thing to pass by? Or worse what if he saw her undressed and thought she was no match after having seen Seven? 

Kathryn walked back over to the piano, knowing she couldn’t play because Chakotay was probably trying to sleep. She let her hands hover above the keys and she closed her eyes, pretending to play, hearing the melody only in her own head. 

“You know you’re supposed to press down on the keys,” 

Her right hand flew to her chest as she jumped up. 

“I thought you were upstairs,” she said. 

“I was, I just came down to get a glass of water,”

He tugged on his ear and looked at her with a smirk. 

“Truth be told I’m having a little trouble calming my mind enough to fall asleep,” he said. 

“Me too,” She chuckled.

He took a seat next to her on the piano bench, and she felt her muscles tense up. The image of him half-naked popped back into her head and she felt the room grow a few degrees hotter. 

“You finally decided to learn an instrument?” he asked in amazement. 

“Yes. After all these years I finally decided to learn. It was either pick up an instrument or get a dog. I’d rather wait until I’m settled in a house to get a pet so...I chose the piano,”

He chuckled and for a moment their eyes met. 

She saw him leaning towards her and turned back towards the keys before he got close enough to kiss her. 

“Play something for me?” he asked gently. 

“Oh, I haven’t been playing long, I’m really not great,”

“That’s ok. Play me something simple,”

Unable to argue, she readied herself to play the one song she knew by heart. She noticed his eyes watching her hands intensely as they gracefully danced along the keys. 

As she finished the last notes of her short song, her eyes glanced back into his. 

“That was beautiful, Kathryn,”

“Thank you,” she said with a breathy chuckle. 

“Well, we should probably try to get some rest at some point,” she said quickly. 

She stood up from the bench and went to walk in front of him to leave, but he grabbed her hand and stilled her between him and keys of the piano. His hands slid up and down the soft fabric of her robe. She felt herself shudder underneath his touch. He slowly parted her robe to reveal her black silk nightgown. He looked up at her in amusement, lust and desire burning brightly in his brown eyes. She wasn’t sure why she had felt the need to put that on earlier, perhaps she craved to feel desirable, even if she hadn’t anticipated anyone seeing her. Either way, she was grateful she hadn’t put on her second option of sweat clothes.

A chill crept up her spine as her robe pooled around her feet. He stood up and grazed her lips with his own before lifting her in his arms and placing her on top of the piano, her feet bumping a few of the keys as he positioned himself between her legs. 

He looked at her lovingly, glowing in the pale light of the moon. His hand swept her hair away from her face before their lips met once again. She’d never been kissed with such intensity, every maneuver was effortless, and his soft lips tasted of whiskey and rain. 

She felt him pull her hips closer to his as he gently pushed her into a lying position. He ran his hands over her body, grazing her breasts and running the tips of his fingers over her hardened nipples. She arched her back, leaning into his touch, craving it more and more with each passing second. 

She moaned in delight and then surprise when he pushed her nightgown up over her thighs and hooked his fingers into her panties, pulling them down at a tantalizingly slow pace. 

Once they were fully discarded he bent down and began to leave light kisses on the inside of her thighs. His tongue traced from her thigh to her aching center. She felt his tongue lightly graze her clit and she knew immediately it wouldn’t take long for her to climax. 

One hand gripped tightly to the side of the piano while the other wove its way into his hair. As he continued working her clit, she felt him slip one finger into her, feeling her wetness, and spreading it around. Soon that finger was joined by another and then another, stretching her and pumping in and out at a rapid pace. Within a few moments, she was whimpering and breathlessly whispering his name as her inner walls tightened around him and her entire body was consumed with pleasure and warmth. 

As the blissful aftershocks took over her senses, he lifted her into his arms once more and carried her up the steps. 

Her feet touched the cold hardwood floors of her bedroom and he began working the straps down her shoulders. A sudden flash of panic coursed through her as she remembered who his most recent sexual partner was. Someone over a decade younger with a body shaped to perfection. She never considered herself shy, nor had she ever been ashamed of the way she looked, but suddenly the prospect of him seeing her naked was frightening. She lifted her arms up to cover herself, but he put them down. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, nibbling her ear.

“But I don’t look like her,” she replied. 

He stopped and looked at her in disbelief.

“I never saw her naked.”

“But…”

“She wanted to wait until after the wedding,”

“Really?” she asked, surprised. 

“Yes, really. Now maybe we shouldn’t discuss Annika before I’m about to make love to you. And Kathryn, you should never doubt that I find you attractive. I think you are the most incredible, sexy, and passionate woman I’ve ever met. You excite and infuriate me all at once. I love you with every ounce of my soul, and I’ll never stop,”

“I love you too,” when those words escaped her lips she felt her heart beating out of her chest. She was finally free to say that out loud, and she would keep saying it until her last dying breath. She loved him. She loved him. And right then and there for absolute certain, she knew that he loved her too. All of her. 

She initiated their next kiss and allowed her nightgown to drop to the floor. Her hands nearly ripped the fabric of his t-shirt as she tried to get it off of him. 

She giggled as they fell back onto the bed and their heads bumped together. The laughter was slowly replaced with harsh breaths and soft moans as he kissed her neck. 

She felt him position his hardened cock between her legs, nudging at her entrance. He looked into her eyes and paused. 

“Are you waiting for me to make an order commander?” her voice was sultry and her smirk mischievous. 

“I just wanted to make sure you’re ready,” 

“Oh, I’ve been ready for a long time…do it,”

And just like that, he plunged inside her, her face contorting in both pleasure and pain. He waited a moment to allow her to adjust to his size before he began a steady rhythm. 

Their first time wasn’t perfect, no first time is, but it was everything she could have asked for and more. Seven years of desire, love, lust, passion, and fantasy finally had come to fruition. It was the joining in both body and soul, an experience which neither could compare to any other previous encounter. Kathryn concluded that each time they had sex it would only get better, and like any good scientist, she tested this hypothesis three times that very night. 

When they woke the next morning, basking in the warmth of the sun and each others arms, he kissed the bridge of her nose and on a whim whispered. 

“Marry me.”

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big thanks to TheElephantinthePrideParade for the amazing beta! This story was made 1000 times better because of her. Thank you to janewayseyebrow for reading and giving me opinions and ideas on how to improve! 
> 
> Also thanks to anyone who commented or left kudos! I've been having a tough time lately and reading comments always manages to make me smile! 
> 
> If you haven't listened to the song this story was based on here is a link: 
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=InupuylYdcY
> 
> All the chapter titles were lyrics from the song ;)


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